A Story of Regret and Hope

Note: Vivienne asked us to share with you a decision she made in 2002 that continues to fill her with regret and grief. Although her story is sad to read, the final outcome and her message are filled hope and grace.

I would like to tell my story in the vain hope that it might stop someone who is considering terminating their pregnancy. In 2002 I was 35 and not been dating Richard very long. We got pregnant, but he already had two older children and did not want anymore. Under subtle pressure from him and not wanting to be dumped (sadly, I still worried about things like that), I went through a termination at 8 weeks (privately, as under NHS the wait times were longer and I wanted as little pain for the fetus as I thought possible). On September 2, 2002 I went into the hospital. I remember them telling me on the operating table, “You can still cancel”. Although I was conflicted with the screaming wishes inside my head to stop the procedure, I still went through with it. I know that I have to live with this decision for the rest of my life.

I am still with Richard and last year we became pregnant again at 43 (unplanned)! George was born July 7, 2010. He is a beautiful, healthy blue eyed, dark haired little boy. He is perfect in every way! I feel sad thinking that our first child could have been as beautiful as George. As helpless and as human. I feel immensely sad for so many reasons. Now that I am a parent for the first time, it hurts all the more. The only consolation I have is that George would probably not be here if it were not for it. I know that I cannot try for another baby at my age now.

The reason I am sharing my story is to tell other women not to go through with a termination. It’s been nearly 10 years and the pain is still no less sharp than the first day. The regret you will feel is such a high price to pay. If you are worried about money or the future, just know that it’s not worth it. Things always just seem to sort themselves out in the end. I have never told this story to anyone – not even Richard. Sometimes things are too painful to talk about even with your loved ones. Maybe if I had said something, things may have turned out differently. -Vivienne

“The rate for conception for a woman my age is about 3%. The fact that George was conceived without trying so late in life and with no complications is nothing short of a miracle! I am truly blessed. I love my son with all my heart and spoil him every opportunity I get. Through him, I try to heal from my first child.” -Vivienne